I only found out about Cartridge Comics recently, yet funnily enough I hate it. What is with you fucking idiots? You look at the Internet and manage to think, hey, what the world needs is yet another shitty gaming webcomic that isn't funny. Because that's Cartridge Comics for you. It's shit, it's terrible and there are a billion reasons why.
First, take a gander at the bottom of the strip there. Doesn't matter which one, it'll be there. It'll say "© 2007 CHRIS JEFFERY AND ALEXANDRIA NASSOPOLOUS" in wonderful bold capital letters. Which leads me to ask why gaming webcomics do this. I see it a lot in them. They'll have two monkeys at the wheel, someone who is supposedly an "artist" and someone who is supposedly a "writer" - though neither can be called such by actual artists and writers without a horrible, skeezy feeling shooting up the spine.
The only gaming webcomic I can think of that doesn't do this is Ctrl+Alt+Del, but only because Buckley is too much of a rampaging egomaniac to allow anyone near his beloved cash cow. But, still, that barely counts because CAD these days is more The Retarded Adventures of Little Jimmy Self-Insertion.
These idiots, like so many other idiots, do it because Penny Arcade does it. They do it without realising the drastic difference between themselves and PA's Holkins and Krahulik: both Holkins and Krahulik are competent at what they do. Holkins can pen a good three-panel joke, Krahulik can draw quite well.
Now, Penny Arcade may not be your cup of tea. You might not like it for a variety of reasons I couldn't care about. But Holkins and Krahulik are both competent and don't offend me on a primal level that makes me want to tear out their throats and howl triumphantly over their still-twitching carcasses. Jeffery, Nassopolous - you fail on both counts. Hearing your names will send me into a blissful daydream about leaving your innards for the vultures. Because you are fucking terrible.
How? HOW? How does it take two wholly separate people to make one wholly abysmal comic? It boggles the mind. I mean, I could probably do something this bad if I switched off most of my brain and didn't pay attention to what I was doing. Even my rather meagre drawing talent is sufficient to replicate this kind of shit. Or this kind of shit. My point is, it's kind of shit. Well, very shit. Shit personified. If I was to shit on my scanner and upload the result, it'd be Cartridge Comics. Or something a little better, maybe. I don't want to talk shit about my shit here. This webcomic is fucking awful.
Jeffery, who is apparently the "artist" half of this half-wit production, which I guess makes him a quarter-wit, is shit. His human beings look more like muppets. Not in the good way, either. Things he's probably traced don't look so good, either. What the fuck does he use for a model, Stretch Armstrong? Legs do not look like that. Ever. Arms generally have elbows and a defined length. And backsides aren't square. All right? Oh, fuck it, you're the kind of conceited asshole who doesn't pay any attention to criticism. Some of you may be saying that isn't proper criticism, but seriously what else can you say? Your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad, Jeffery. Get back to Family Circus where you belong.
Nassopolous, who I'm going to have to assume is the one coming up with the "ideas" for Jeffery to churn out, is a fucking dumbass. If she even exists, frankly. I have developed a theory that gaming webcomic creators suffer from split personalities in order to fulfil the two-man team that PA has while producing something that could only be the result of one retard's ineptitude. But, hey, just for laughs I'll pretend she's real and she's also really a woman. Stranger things have happened, after all. Well, not really, but roll with it.
Nassopolous has never known any stoners. That much is painfully clear. This character, Jerry, is also apparently supposed to be British. Which leads me to a second point, that Nassopolous has never known any British people. Big hint: using "mate" instead of "dude" just doesn't fucking cut it. This is pretty average for someone who believes they can write, and choose to do so by producing a shitty webcomic with their shitty artist friend they found on some shitty forum somewhere on the shitty Internet. They just don't give a crap. Look at the "blog post" for this strip. It says " Well, you finally get a chance to see a bit of Ashley's personality, and hopefully you feel she's not a walking cliche."
YES. YES SHE IS A WALKING CLICHÉ. God, how can you glean any fucking concept of her personality from three fucking panels of her being disgusted by some stereotypical fat nerd being a stereotypical fat nerd? It adds perhaps half a fucking micron to her already utterly flat character of "I AM GIRL". What fucking universe are you in, where that kind of reaction shows personality? There isn't a woman, or man, alive who wouldn't do the exact same thing.
Cartridge Comics is supposed to be on the vein of nerd culture. It's not. They did a comic with Dream from Sandman in it, apparently having never read Sandman or skimmed Sandman or even vaguely heard of Sandman beyond knowing the character and the speech bubbles. See, if you don't know the character, there's no joke. But if you do know the character, there's still no joke. It's just fucking stupid. If you don't know Dream, just know this: it's as bad as any other strip in their shitty archives. Or their "even we admit this is too shitty" archives. Everything belongs there, you guys. Everything. Actually, that's still having it on the Internet, so just delete the whole fucking lot and replace it with a blank white page. I fucking guarantee that will entertain me more than Cartridge Comics ever has, or has failed to do. Whatever. Delete your webcomic now.
You can't do one-panel jokes - because I have no idea what the joke is even supposed to be here. Violent games make people violent? What the fuck kind of "geek culture" are you supposed to be tapping into here? Because last I checked, no geek thinks that. Because it's not true. Hell, even Lord Buckley of Buckleydom is of the opinion that violent games do not make a man violent. Stupid and quick to make a terrible webcomic, perhaps, but that's one of the reasons why I am not a "gamer".
You can't do multi-panel jokes. This isn't even a joke, for crying out loud. Unless... unless the joke is on me, for reading this fucking piece of shit. Oh, God, that's it. The joke is on me. This whole webcomic is a huge prank. Well, no. I doubt that. That kind of shit requires intelligence, and Cartridge Comics is devoid of that entirely. Nobody can even fake being that fucking dumb. Also, loving panel two there. Either fatty has an arm for a penis, you need to learn some fucking perspective right there. Also, the last panel showcases something I really hate in webcomics. Lowroad did it, too. A lot of shitty webcomics do it. Getting images from Google (or perhaps fan art, if you actually get any) and just slapping them in there as "posters". Usually it's box art from games, or album cover art, just to show how fucking hip and rad your characters are. They have big posters of things you like. Oh, and it looks like ass. Absolute ass. One hundred and ten fucking percent ass. It's not your art style, it's horrendously artificial and out of place, and it makes your shitty comic look even shittier than it otherwise would. It is the rotten cherry atop your shit sundae.
Trudging wearily through the archives with all the energetic spirit of a man condemned to death unveils to me that Jeffery is desperately single and/or possibly a hermit of some kind. Why? Because he cannot draw a woman. I mean, sure, he can't draw men either. Or monkeys, apparently. But let's not get picky. The deciding case for this is the tits. In Cartridge Comics, tits are either way too high, or way too low. They are also akin to the weird waterballoon spheres that Lowroad had, only slightly less gravity-defying and a bit more crap. Buckleyvision tits, basically. Just look at the strip in that last link. You would have to have never seen any woman naked, nor any porn in your life to draw breasts that crappy-looking. My friends, breasts do not just project out of the middle of the torso, with a flat expanse of flesh above. They do not dangle just off the collarbone. They... for fuck's sake, I am trying to teach someone what tits look like on an Internet blog. GO LOOK AT SOME FUCKING PORN AND SAVE ME THE EFFORT. Even fake silicon boobs would be a damn sight better than what you're currently doing.
Lastly, please stop doing the terrible sprite shit. I mean, the comic is shit. Nothing short of divine intervention could save it right now. But the sprite shit? Just makes it worse. This puts it at a level where I am finding the joy sucked from my life. I am losing happy memories. The anti-entertainment value of this webcomic is through the fucking roof. Also stop fucking tracing characters from popular TV shows for fuck's sake seriously it is awful. We get it, you're a lazy asshole who can't be funny even if he steals from people. Don't rub our faces in it.
Also, if you're going to write in a character from elsewhere, and please for the love of God don't, at least give a damn about dialogue. Oh, fuck it, you don't give a shit about your own characters, why would you give a shit about anyone else's? All you're trying to do is gather up enough stupid fans - and I have resigned myself to the knowledge that here, on the Internet, there are always people dumb enough to adore shit like this - in order to have someone to sell your horribly overpriced t-shirts to. It seems like every webcomic, before you even put pen to fucking paper, has to have a PayPal button and a CafePress store. Cartridge Comics is no exception, and by God those awful fucking t-shirts will never be worn by any living human being. Then again, I've seen someone with a Ctrl+Alt+Del tattoo. I am obviously overestimating humanity, and that makes me sad.
Cartridge Comics, fuck your fucking shitty webcomic and I hope you get fucking dick cancer. Both of you. Because Nassopolous is totally a dude, seriously.
First, take a gander at the bottom of the strip there. Doesn't matter which one, it'll be there. It'll say "© 2007 CHRIS JEFFERY AND ALEXANDRIA NASSOPOLOUS" in wonderful bold capital letters. Which leads me to ask why gaming webcomics do this. I see it a lot in them. They'll have two monkeys at the wheel, someone who is supposedly an "artist" and someone who is supposedly a "writer" - though neither can be called such by actual artists and writers without a horrible, skeezy feeling shooting up the spine.
The only gaming webcomic I can think of that doesn't do this is Ctrl+Alt+Del, but only because Buckley is too much of a rampaging egomaniac to allow anyone near his beloved cash cow. But, still, that barely counts because CAD these days is more The Retarded Adventures of Little Jimmy Self-Insertion.
These idiots, like so many other idiots, do it because Penny Arcade does it. They do it without realising the drastic difference between themselves and PA's Holkins and Krahulik: both Holkins and Krahulik are competent at what they do. Holkins can pen a good three-panel joke, Krahulik can draw quite well.
Now, Penny Arcade may not be your cup of tea. You might not like it for a variety of reasons I couldn't care about. But Holkins and Krahulik are both competent and don't offend me on a primal level that makes me want to tear out their throats and howl triumphantly over their still-twitching carcasses. Jeffery, Nassopolous - you fail on both counts. Hearing your names will send me into a blissful daydream about leaving your innards for the vultures. Because you are fucking terrible.
How? HOW? How does it take two wholly separate people to make one wholly abysmal comic? It boggles the mind. I mean, I could probably do something this bad if I switched off most of my brain and didn't pay attention to what I was doing. Even my rather meagre drawing talent is sufficient to replicate this kind of shit. Or this kind of shit. My point is, it's kind of shit. Well, very shit. Shit personified. If I was to shit on my scanner and upload the result, it'd be Cartridge Comics. Or something a little better, maybe. I don't want to talk shit about my shit here. This webcomic is fucking awful.
Jeffery, who is apparently the "artist" half of this half-wit production, which I guess makes him a quarter-wit, is shit. His human beings look more like muppets. Not in the good way, either. Things he's probably traced don't look so good, either. What the fuck does he use for a model, Stretch Armstrong? Legs do not look like that. Ever. Arms generally have elbows and a defined length. And backsides aren't square. All right? Oh, fuck it, you're the kind of conceited asshole who doesn't pay any attention to criticism. Some of you may be saying that isn't proper criticism, but seriously what else can you say? Your webcomic is bad and you should feel bad, Jeffery. Get back to Family Circus where you belong.
Nassopolous, who I'm going to have to assume is the one coming up with the "ideas" for Jeffery to churn out, is a fucking dumbass. If she even exists, frankly. I have developed a theory that gaming webcomic creators suffer from split personalities in order to fulfil the two-man team that PA has while producing something that could only be the result of one retard's ineptitude. But, hey, just for laughs I'll pretend she's real and she's also really a woman. Stranger things have happened, after all. Well, not really, but roll with it.
Nassopolous has never known any stoners. That much is painfully clear. This character, Jerry, is also apparently supposed to be British. Which leads me to a second point, that Nassopolous has never known any British people. Big hint: using "mate" instead of "dude" just doesn't fucking cut it. This is pretty average for someone who believes they can write, and choose to do so by producing a shitty webcomic with their shitty artist friend they found on some shitty forum somewhere on the shitty Internet. They just don't give a crap. Look at the "blog post" for this strip. It says " Well, you finally get a chance to see a bit of Ashley's personality, and hopefully you feel she's not a walking cliche."
YES. YES SHE IS A WALKING CLICHÉ. God, how can you glean any fucking concept of her personality from three fucking panels of her being disgusted by some stereotypical fat nerd being a stereotypical fat nerd? It adds perhaps half a fucking micron to her already utterly flat character of "I AM GIRL". What fucking universe are you in, where that kind of reaction shows personality? There isn't a woman, or man, alive who wouldn't do the exact same thing.
Cartridge Comics is supposed to be on the vein of nerd culture. It's not. They did a comic with Dream from Sandman in it, apparently having never read Sandman or skimmed Sandman or even vaguely heard of Sandman beyond knowing the character and the speech bubbles. See, if you don't know the character, there's no joke. But if you do know the character, there's still no joke. It's just fucking stupid. If you don't know Dream, just know this: it's as bad as any other strip in their shitty archives. Or their "even we admit this is too shitty" archives. Everything belongs there, you guys. Everything. Actually, that's still having it on the Internet, so just delete the whole fucking lot and replace it with a blank white page. I fucking guarantee that will entertain me more than Cartridge Comics ever has, or has failed to do. Whatever. Delete your webcomic now.
You can't do one-panel jokes - because I have no idea what the joke is even supposed to be here. Violent games make people violent? What the fuck kind of "geek culture" are you supposed to be tapping into here? Because last I checked, no geek thinks that. Because it's not true. Hell, even Lord Buckley of Buckleydom is of the opinion that violent games do not make a man violent. Stupid and quick to make a terrible webcomic, perhaps, but that's one of the reasons why I am not a "gamer".
You can't do multi-panel jokes. This isn't even a joke, for crying out loud. Unless... unless the joke is on me, for reading this fucking piece of shit. Oh, God, that's it. The joke is on me. This whole webcomic is a huge prank. Well, no. I doubt that. That kind of shit requires intelligence, and Cartridge Comics is devoid of that entirely. Nobody can even fake being that fucking dumb. Also, loving panel two there. Either fatty has an arm for a penis, you need to learn some fucking perspective right there. Also, the last panel showcases something I really hate in webcomics. Lowroad did it, too. A lot of shitty webcomics do it. Getting images from Google (or perhaps fan art, if you actually get any) and just slapping them in there as "posters". Usually it's box art from games, or album cover art, just to show how fucking hip and rad your characters are. They have big posters of things you like. Oh, and it looks like ass. Absolute ass. One hundred and ten fucking percent ass. It's not your art style, it's horrendously artificial and out of place, and it makes your shitty comic look even shittier than it otherwise would. It is the rotten cherry atop your shit sundae.
Trudging wearily through the archives with all the energetic spirit of a man condemned to death unveils to me that Jeffery is desperately single and/or possibly a hermit of some kind. Why? Because he cannot draw a woman. I mean, sure, he can't draw men either. Or monkeys, apparently. But let's not get picky. The deciding case for this is the tits. In Cartridge Comics, tits are either way too high, or way too low. They are also akin to the weird waterballoon spheres that Lowroad had, only slightly less gravity-defying and a bit more crap. Buckleyvision tits, basically. Just look at the strip in that last link. You would have to have never seen any woman naked, nor any porn in your life to draw breasts that crappy-looking. My friends, breasts do not just project out of the middle of the torso, with a flat expanse of flesh above. They do not dangle just off the collarbone. They... for fuck's sake, I am trying to teach someone what tits look like on an Internet blog. GO LOOK AT SOME FUCKING PORN AND SAVE ME THE EFFORT. Even fake silicon boobs would be a damn sight better than what you're currently doing.
Lastly, please stop doing the terrible sprite shit. I mean, the comic is shit. Nothing short of divine intervention could save it right now. But the sprite shit? Just makes it worse. This puts it at a level where I am finding the joy sucked from my life. I am losing happy memories. The anti-entertainment value of this webcomic is through the fucking roof. Also stop fucking tracing characters from popular TV shows for fuck's sake seriously it is awful. We get it, you're a lazy asshole who can't be funny even if he steals from people. Don't rub our faces in it.
Also, if you're going to write in a character from elsewhere, and please for the love of God don't, at least give a damn about dialogue. Oh, fuck it, you don't give a shit about your own characters, why would you give a shit about anyone else's? All you're trying to do is gather up enough stupid fans - and I have resigned myself to the knowledge that here, on the Internet, there are always people dumb enough to adore shit like this - in order to have someone to sell your horribly overpriced t-shirts to. It seems like every webcomic, before you even put pen to fucking paper, has to have a PayPal button and a CafePress store. Cartridge Comics is no exception, and by God those awful fucking t-shirts will never be worn by any living human being. Then again, I've seen someone with a Ctrl+Alt+Del tattoo. I am obviously overestimating humanity, and that makes me sad.
Cartridge Comics, fuck your fucking shitty webcomic and I hope you get fucking dick cancer. Both of you. Because Nassopolous is totally a dude, seriously.
96 comments:
- This is pretty much proof that artists are worthless.
- Congratulations on another stellar review. After the lackluster PvP article I was thinking you might have been losing steam.
- I wasn't feeling too well. A cold or something, very unseasonal.
- Now that's a spiteful, vitrolic review if I ever saw one. Bravo, Fuego. FWIW, I have it on firm authority that Lex is a woman. She used to be an occasional guest on the Bomb Shelter podcast a year ago. Also, Silicon is computer chips. Silicone is used in boobs and sealing compound.
- Hi John Solomon, this is Chris from CC. First of all, I want you to know I love your blog, It's been in my bookmarks for a while now. Great stuff. Anyway, I want you to know I am well aware of many of the things you pointed out in your blog post, and while I did poke fun at someone's poorly written complaint, I can indeed take criticism. I've been working on my art, as well as working with Lex to improve the writing. We've greatly reduced the pop culture references recently, and I'm doing my best to avoid ever inserting images from the internet into the comic. I always appreciate constructive criticism and there is much to be found in your article. Thank you for taking the time to actually read the comic and put so much thought into your complaints. Thanks for your time, keep up the good work bashing all the shitty comics out there (including my own) and please know both Lex and myself are working hard to improve.
- Step 1 on improving Kill yourselves
- John, first off, im a huge fan. Second, your review of Dominic Deegan was probably top 20 funniest things that i had ever read, seen, or heard about. You are an awesome person of the highest calibur and deserve a medal of some kind. Brown-nosing aside, i had not been aware of this comic untill now and reading the comics you linked and a few in the archives, i really had no opinion of this comic whatsoever. Its like asking what air tastes like or nose hairs smell like. You were right in your comment about how they should delete the comic and put up a blank sheet of paper, because I certainly wouldnt notice that much of a difference. I would just be reading though the white pages and, i would say, about 10 comics in i would suspect something. "Hey... theres no comic here," and then go read a worthwile comic.
- One of the strips you linked to was a guest comic it looks like.
- Chris from CC, if you are working hard to improve then you have a funny definition of "working", "hard" and "improve". You still have a gaming webcomic, that gaming webcomic still sucks, and you are one more reason I am seriously considering writing a 5000-word update explaining Goddamn grade school concepts on how to fucking write I mean seriously oh my God how can people be so fucking bad at it. In closing, dick cancer. I mean it. Start getting way better very soon or that teeny weeny is going to drop off and rot.
- John Solomon, I hate you for bringing me knowledge of this comic. The only reason I am not electing to put a hit out on you is that, despite how painful reading those samples was, you've had worse from having to go through the damn thing. That was just hideously, painfully mediocre. Your ripping apart of the horrid thing was the only upside to these past few minutes.
- Actually, I'd be delighted to see an article from you on writing. Seriously, you're an entertaining writer, and I think such an article would be extremely interesting. I'm sorry if I came across with the implication that we've been working hard on improving for a long time now. What I meant was that recently I have started to become extremely unhappy with the quality of the comic, and began to work hard on improving. I've begun to study drawing, (something I should have done before I started) and I'm now working with Lex to come up with better jokes. I really do hope to start getting "way better very soon" and your criticisms have been most helpful. Thanks again.
- You could probably do with reading it, even if it was only the basics.
- Well then, I hope you write it soon. I'm willing and very eager to learn.
- Mr. Soloman, honoured gentleman, I have an uncle and wish him to suicide. Could you make amusingly merry over its comic?
- Zzzz. Dude, you use 3x the words needed to make any point, which, in effect totally obscures whatever it is you're trying to fucking get across. You could do this shit in a paragraph. I'm just stopping by to say you bore the shit out of me. I'll continue to return and make sure you know you are the tr;dr of webcomic reviews. If you get your head out of your (ass) reader's expectations, you might have some merit.
- On the whole subject of gaming comics copying penny arcade. http://www.duelinganalogs.com/?date=2007-06-26 ;>
- Hahahaha, fuck off then, you whiny little shit.
- PWNDE! OMFG ITS JOHN SOLOMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU R MY HERO! CHUCK NORISS LAMER THAN JOHN SOLOMMAN (ICANT PUT THE THING THAT MEANS BIGGER THEN SORY
- Man, Dueling Analogs actually wants to be like VG Cats rather than Penny Arcade? That's pretty fuckin' pathetic. I mean, if you're a gaming webcomic you're going to suck anyway, but trying to be like one of the worst out there? Yeah, no. Don't emulate the shitty webcomics, kids.
- Ohhhh yeah, way to stick it to those egotists at Cartridge comics Mr John Sololame! I mean they must have...DOZENS of readers? For you to make fun of? STICKIN' IT TO THE MAN! Next time: A little kid draws a comic in his first grade class and John is there to put that fucker in his place. "So your mommy put it on the refridgerator? FUCK YOU! I hope you get ass rabies fuck fuck faggot fuck fuck ass fuck baby fuck faggoty fuck".
- PWNDE!
- I SAID TEWH PWNDE TO TEH SOLOMAN HE IS GOD GRAYMETTEAR IS THE CRAP HED TROLL ASS MAN
- I LUV THIS BLOF MOR THEN FAMIL GUY & I WANT 2 HAV FAMILY GUYS BABIES LOL
- Señor Soloman, Keep up the good work! Yours
- First things first: Look people, we'll save a lot of time if you realize that, while it is entertaining to tear down things other people enjoy, it is only the case if you aren't dumb in the process. Pretty much, you guys are walking into a thesis on why this stuff is bad, and at the end yell 'oh yea?' or 'ur gay lol.' No one appreciates it, and everyone just feels kinda sorry for however terribly retarded you must be. Now then, Chriszaron, I'm going to try to be nice and give you some actual pointers, because I'm already typing and I might as well. Also, I'm assuming that John pulled out your worst (although nonetheless your work), which might be an overestimate of whatever you want to call this. Also, I know you said you're already working on some of these, but I really need to stress this, starting with... Writing: 1. DON'T DO POP HUMOR. See, the inherent problem which pop humor is twofold: It's popular and therefore commonly referenced, so chances are it won't be funny by the time people see your twist on it; and also it's only pop humor for a short time before it becomes a struggle to recall something in order to get whatever joke you were trying to make. 2. Get a book on dialects. Or just study them when talking to other people. Or something. Seriously, that 'mate' thing doesn't cut it. 3. Make sure the joke works, don't just go with it. A lot of these jokes are something you can probably get away with when you're just talking to friends or something. However, you're trying to do something akin to a scripted comedy but to all the internet, and this stuff doesn't cut it. There's always going to be at least one heckler, but the point is to get the laughter to drown them out. 4. No, seriously, test the joke before going with it. It might be funny to you, and it might be funny to whoever you work with, but seriously, when you're trying to get an audience that is larger than the creative staff behind it, you need to make sure the jokes work for that. Drawing is a bit harder to give , the best I can offer: 1. Sketch the entire character, regardless of what goes out of frame and will need to be erased. It'll help give you a better idea of perspective/proportion until you feel you can safely eyeball it. 2. What John said about the tits, to be blunt. 3. Seriously, work on improving. A webcomic can seriously be steroids to your artistic ability if you commit yourself to doing better while going through it. This comic isn't as bad as some of others (although this entry is rather entertaining), it was just unfunny unfunny leaning on pitifully unfunny, instead of the usual offensively unfunny I see in PvP and some of the other 'comedy' strips. So, maybe a few pointers and a stern kick will get them going in the right direction. But in all honesty, it's still a gaming webcomic, so you might need to nuke/reinvent it if you really want to go anywhere with it. Really, I just typed all of this because my word verification was imakki, so I had to get some use out of the comment box so I could type that. imakki imakki imakki seriously. Okay, I'm sorry for that, everyone.
- Not having tons of readers is now reason to be exempt from mockery? If you put it out for people to see (and ADVERTISE it), then you must expect that people will come and read it, and that you'd better provide something worth reading. This one is boring, not witty, not even funny, and generally just like almost every other wannabe Penny Arcade ever. At least Lowroad was tapping into creepy Goth-lolita vibes; creativity in concept counts for something, after all.
- "Get a book on dialects." ....never thought of this for some dumb reason, can anyone recommend a good one?
- JOHN SOLOLAME (OMG LOL SO FUNI) Y U PIK ON SMAL GUY U NEED 2 SPEND TIEM ON ME I WANT U INSIEDE ME
- Hahahaha, fuck off then, you whiny little shit. Phail ;_;
- I stumbled across Cartidge Comics a few weeks ago, and my god is it bad. Being English, the most painful thing was that supposedly "British" character (what fucking part of Britain, dipshits, we don't all speak the same). I mean, when he meets Jay and Bob he says "Hey, mates". What. The. Fuck. Good luck on "improving". Even if you do and you leave those archives up for all to see it'll be clear for all eternity how fucking useless you are (or were).
- I GOT SUM KILER WORD ART OF THE MOON WANNT 2 C? ********************************************************************************************************************************************************* TEH MOON************ ******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
- I GOT SUM KILE WORD ART OF TEH FONZZ WANT 2 C? *****************************************************************************************************************TEH FONZ****************** *********************************************************************************************************
- "I've been working on my art, as well as working with Lex to improve the writing." We've put streamers on the wreckage, and we've polished the scorch marks off the metal, and hidden away as many of the bodies as we could...oh wait, it's still a train wreck. There's nothing here to improve. Just get rid of it.
- Why are people so mean over the internet? Mr. Ben, with your sage wisdom, tell me your motives...
- I'm the dude who wrote the really long comment, and figured if I'll be commenting here on a regular basis, might as well take up a tag to make it easier to address me in whatever manner. Now, why are people so mean on the internet? There are varying reasons, but the underlying one is no matter what you do for a living, being mean is still fun at the end of day. And doing so on the internet has none of the repercussions of being mean in real life. It's win-win, really. As I said, there's always going to be hecklers, no matter what you do. The point is to drown them out. And again, as I was saying, a 'gaming webcomic' probably isn't going to do that. Penny Arcade has the market on that, why would readers go to your comic when they can go there instead? You've got to find an angle you like. Roomies! was about roomies, and then eventually turned into an interplanetary war. College Roomies from Hell! was about roomies, then eventually turned into some sort of struggle with Satan. Goats was about roomies I guess, and turned into some sort of interdimensional ...something. I'm not saying these are good webcomics, but I am saying they all started out providing something people could get elsewhere, and eventually evolved into something that only they could offer, regardless of the quality of it. You also don't need to be as extreme as those angles, but they're definitely ones that have stuck with me, regardless of quality. But seriously, you're coming to a blog where the primary service to be mean in an entertaining fashion. People will be mean here. I'm trying to be helpful in the process (which is really hurting my mean), because you guys don't seem intent on quitting now, so I might as well try to help you improve to remove a bad webcomic one way or another. Because there's certainly room for improvement, but if you guys are actuall serious about improving and not just trying to add a face to the victim, you can probably fill some of it, at least. In closing, I don't personally know of any good dialect books, but if you go to a bookstore, they'll probably have one, especially if they have like a theater section or something.
- Alright, folks, let's see if I can clear this up for you. The reason John writes his blog the way he does is because these comics have something seriously wrong with them. He can't keep you from reading the comic if you enjoy it, he can't affect your opinion unless you choose to listen to him. Of COURSE he's volatile and cruel in his vindictiveness: Would this have worked any other way? If you can't handle his words, you shouldn't read the blog. You should also curl your head under your knees and cry like the little whiner you are. OMG NOEZ HE SAID BAD THINGS! Get over it.
- Ok, just pointing this out: You've insulted CAD, you've insulted PVP, and in this review, you came close to fellating PA. Everyone else you have reviewed so far sucked absolute balls (Ok, maybe not Shortpacked!, but it's not great either). So, so far, you've insulted a bunch of nobodies and two comics that everyone else picks on, and you were able to suck up to one of the comics that everyone likes. So, are you ever going to say something that everyone who knows jack shit about webcomics doesn't already know?
- What I don't understand is how you can NOT be a gamer and like Penny Arcade. Even Ctrl+Alt+Del has cracked me more often than the steaming turd pile of unfunniness called Penny Arcade, which mostly pokes fun from video games. SNORE. I also fucking hate webcomics who look like they're lazily constructed from ready-made body parts picked from a folder and mixed together. Let's face it, the drawing style is just as shitty as CAD. I'd rather watch Dominic Deegan snout face anime "style" than PA's excuse for no artistic talent. Hell, Anyone can draw body parts in different poses and glue them together for fucks sake. At least Dominic Deegan makes the attempt to draw something, CAD and Penny Arcade are just copypasta with minimal artistic talent. Hey, I *could* live with that and enjoy the comic. That is if the Penny Arcade humor wasn't so fucking pathetic. Solomon criticizes comic for using pop culture remarks and masturbates for a comic where you can't fucking figure out what's supposed to be the joke unless you've played every shitty computer or console game in the planet that the comic authors are referring to. Games ARE pop culture, dipshit. And even when PA isn't making stupid nerd jokes or POP CULTURE REFERENCES, it's jokes are lame attempts. Just check the today's comic (July 30): http://www.penny-arcade.com/images/2007/20070730.jpg So am I to take that the joke is that Gabe was was assraped in a van? COMEDY GOLD!! Hey lulz maybe we should rename him Gape!!1 Get it?? Because now his ass gapes LOL. I'm also confused how Solomon agrees that self-insertions are pathetic and not only manages to read but enjoy this crap. Oh well, his rants are still funny to read even though he's a hypocrite for liking Penny Arcade.
- I'm really having a hard time following how "But Holkins and Krahulik are both competent and don't offend me on a primal level that makes me want to tear out their throats and howl triumphantly over their still-twitching carcasses." amounts to John performing fellatio on the creators of PA. Being willing to tolerate the existence of a comic because it's not a hideous abomination of God and man isn't exactly shining praise.
- Because, mark, a lot of the people commenting on this blog hate me and disregard logic at all costs in an effort to smear my nonexistent reputation. That is to say, they're fucking idiots and you should ignore them. I do.
- Looks like 4chan or ED is leaking. Either way, how about you stop shitting up the comments because Solomon ripped on your favorite fucking terrible webcomic.
- I'll say the same thing I said when John was being told he must really love the comics he is insulting. Just because people insult John, doesn't mean he ripped on there favorite comic(s). Maybe they just don't like him or his posts. Saying that, I still think his funny and very well done.
- The ones that really get to me, I mean really get to me are the webcomics, the banal, boring, poorly done garbage like Cartridge Comics that just trudge on for awhile, appealing to the smallest audiences, failing at every conciveable level. These people who make these low-grade abominations rarely show even the slightest hint of improvement even if they've been slaving away at their strip for 3, 4, 5, 6 years. And for who? The dozen or so losers who bother to post in their forum? And while it's not their fault I'm always a bit put out thinking about all of the halfway decent comics that also may not have had as big an audience but are brought to an abrupt close by the creator due to something or other or just...stop shortly after they start just when things are starting to get truly interesting. While the productions of various useless puds, with their high-school "anime" style soap-operas, their worthless gaming comics doing the same crap all the PA wannabes five years ago did, their wall-of-text fantasy comics that spend more time on long-winded exposition than anything else, their wapanese comics set in a Japan that bears no resemblence in any way to actual Japan, their ham-fisted political strips, etc...just keep on churning it out, year after year.
- I'll admit that claiming you fellated PA was a bit of a stretch, but I think it's still the first comic you have mentioned and not outright insulted, so for this blog that is a complement. All I'm saying is, every comic you've reviewed, save for two that everyone else insults and one that isn't too bad, well all of these comics are OBVIOUSLY bad. You're not really saying anything new here. You're just pointing out most of these comics that no one has heard of and going "Man, this is horrible!". And they are. But it's obvious. It's almost not worth the pageviews you're giving them, because any idiot with more than five minutes could realize that Cartridge Comics is pure rubbish.
- Ah, a return to form. That's more like it! Now how about "PvP Bashing - Redux" now that you've got your groove back?
- With regards to this shitty comic someone posted: http://www.duelinganalogs.com/?date=2007-06-26 Holy shit on a cracker. Its like one big gaming comic circle-jerk. How many brownie points do you think he won with this one?
- but I think it's still the first comic you have mentioned and not outright insulted, so for this blog that is a complement. He mentioned in the comments on an older post that "Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome". I remember because I'd never heard of it before so I went to check it out. And it is awesome.
- "Why are people so mean over the internet? Mr. Ben, with your sage wisdom, tell me your motives..." Attend any quality school in art or design, and you'll get cut down like this every day until you improve. It's not out of meanness, but coddling someone who isn't doing a decent job isn't going to help them.
- Yeah, I hated being told to die in a fire and get dick cancer back in my design school days. But boy it sure helped, now I'm the King of the Design world thanks to those cruel-to-be-kind comments.
- He mentioned in the comments on an older post that "Gunnerkrigg Court is awesome". I remember because I'd never heard of it before so I went to check it out. And it is awesome. Quiet, you fool, or they'll find out I'm actually always right!
- For when you inevitably cover fetish-related webcomics again, have you got any mental help links lined up for the pathetic creatures who will come to defend their sickness?
- Great post! When can we expect the Megatokyo one? It'd be great to hear you on the whole 'Blurred' controversy that started last year.
- For further reading on the worst in Penny Arcade knockoffs; http://www.shreddedmoose.com/comic/ Just in case anyone here is a glutton for punishment. This one has not gained popularity yet, but it has all the ingredients for an unqualified success, and needs some discerning individuals to nip it in the bud.
- holy god but that moose thing is awful
- Mr Soloman, In all the reviews you posted here, the comics on the receiving end were all deserving of it, but I could see why some people would like them. Not so with this; it just sucks so much it is in serious danger of imploding from all the suction that its horrific presence ensues. I am British, never once have I ever replaced 'dude' with 'mate'. My brother is a stoner, and (shock horror) he does not have long hair, wear a beany hat, or tie dye, and his thoughts are not filled full of mushrooms and rubbish 'look how trippy this video game iz hurrr' jokes. That may have something to do with the fact that he is obsessed with WoW, but out family doesn't like to talk about that... Cartridge Comics represents everything that is wrong with the internet; it isn't entertaining, and it is drawn by a guy who knows nothing about: a) Social situations b) Humor c) Women d) The British e) Stoners, and the way that their minds work (Generalizing heavily here) It pains me to think that there may even be worse gaming comics out there, but it is reassuring to know I will never, ever, read them. Ever
- yeah, don't even read that fucking moose comic. Unless you think sexual assault is funny
- Secretly, I love webcomics like Cartridge Comics and PVP. The problem is none of these comics possesses the furry sex I so enjoy masturbating to.
- Hi! I love your reviews. They're so touching, really! I had something to learn from your stuff. ALL OF IT! :) You're a genious of insulting, and that's what I love about ya! I think I shall add you to my links page and e-mail other friends telling them to do the same. You really have some potential. Everybody should know about you. :)... REALLY! And you know what? You're free to review one of my comics if you'd like. ;) I'd be really honoured! They're fun! Kissez! the-hee-hee!
- Fuck off and die, bitch - didn't you get the memo? I am not your fucking publicity service.
- Waaah!!! ;(((( You killed my soul! I think the next thing I'll do is jumping off my window! *sniff* Don't you even care about my wittle life? :( You're so heartless!!!!! *opens the window, but grabs a knife first, just in case*
- ... what. Are you the bastard lovechild of Robert A. "*smirks evil grin evilly*" Tangents or something? Cut that shit out, you irritating cunt.
- I love you, eve Z
- Shredded Moose definately is one of the most mysogynistic webcomics I've ever read. Twenty bucks says the creator is one of those kinds of guys who will call any woman a man-hating femnazi if she won't fuck him on the first date while he's trying to feel her up.
- WTF@SHREDDEDMOOSE WOW EVEN SCOTT KURTZ IS OFFENDED
- You know what I love more than the fact that you ruthlessly tear up webcomics that people work hard on? It's fucking funny when you do. That and I like watching the owners of said bad comic scrambling to call you a doo-doo head while whining to their Barbies. 8D
- The sad thing about Shredded Moose is that I actually like the art style and it can be funny at times, but it might as well be fucking porn instead of a webcomic.
- Hey John, not to tell you how to do your job, but I found, *Gasp* A webcomic worse than CAD, it even looks like CAD, right down to the copy Paste-ness of it, and the 4 panels in the same positions as CAD, except it looks worse, if you can believe it. powerchordcomic.angelfire.com/ It makes CAD look competent They even misspelled "Doctors" in the logo on the top. Seriously, what the fuck
- while not as numerous, webcomics built around heavy metal and metal fandom and whatnot are often just as bad as the worst PA wannabe.
- @anonymous: I'll see your rape reference and raise you a "witty social commentary" about MMORPGs. http://www.penny-arcade.com/comic/2007/07/20 The difference between PA and CAD and the others is for some reason I laugh regularly at the (obviously) stupid jokes in PA. Not all of them, but at least half. For example, in the 'assrape' panel (notice rape is never mentioned, he could have just seen man-penis, and you assume the worst), Gabe has circles around his eyes, and leads in with a dismissal of his victimization ... "It's not important." Which is GOLD. Every other web comic out there (with a few exceptions) would make the "don't go in the guy's van" line be the first thing out of the victim's mouth to deliver the punchline. Predictable. Stupid. Making fun of sexual assault which taunts everyone who knows a victim. This is a bit of meta-comedy here. The character archetype of Gabe is one who does stupid things impulsively but knows he is wrong immediately, while trying to hide this failing. The cryptic played-down delivery in the second panel is funnier than the "punchline" because you know that the paedophile referenced three strips ago is to blame even before the last panel, per Gabe's standard reaction to such misfortune. And that's fucking funny. You're laughing at the self-discovery of what happened before you are even "told" what happened. You're not laughing _at_ the sexual assault at all. This is the seat of humour. If you can't wrap your head around that then I'd recommend a few episodes of Family Guy. You'll love it.
- "Holkins can pen a good three-panel joke, Krahulik can draw quite well." When did this happen? When has this ever been true?
- To be fair, http://www.cartridgecomics.com/view.php?date=2006-03-31 the Sandman comic, was a guest strip. That guy's comic is at this link. http://www.bigpondwebcomic.com/
- Okay, I read all the comments here and out of the some trillion web comics that exist I never thought I would see something like this Of course this one doesn't seem to be too bad and it even has a point I agree with.
- When did this happen? When has this ever been true? I could spot you your thoughts that Holkins can't write a good joke, but you can't seriously be suggesting that Krahulik is a bad artist. Have you even read Penny Arcade since, oh I don't know, 2001?
- Aarin said... "Zzzz. Dude, you use 3x the words needed to make any point, which, in effect totally obscures whatever it is you're trying to fucking get across. You could do this shit in a paragraph. I'm just stopping by to say you bore the shit out of me. I'll continue to return and make sure you know you are the tr;dr of webcomic reviews. If you get your head out of your (ass) reader's expectations, you might have some merit." John Solomon said... "Hahahaha, fuck off then, you whiny little shit." Proof that the man can dish it out and not take it himself. It's called criticism, asshole. The same exact thing you give to all the webcomics out there. Honestly, I think you're overly harsh and you seem to diss whatever everyone else loves to diss. You criticize webcomic artists for having little or no creativity, while you yourself merely leech off of the hate other people dish out, add a few swear words and links, and call it your own. Is Dueling Analogs original? No. Is Cartridge Comics intelligent? No. Is this blog any better than them? Just barely, if at all. My recommendation? Get out there and see a freaking psychiatrist. It seems you have severe anger issues, and I worry for anybody unlucky enough to know you in real life. And well, look at that! I just criticized something, and I managed to swear only once! Wasn't that easy? The Duck Has Spoken.
- I hate it when people use 4chan memes in their comics, much more shitty ones. 4chan memes should stay on 4chan, any funny they have is instantly lost when put somewhere else, and just shames 4chan as a community when it's put somewhere shitty. It's okay to occasionally say it in an appropriate place, but this guy at Scott go too far with their I SAID A 4CHAN MEME THIS COMIC IS FUNNY BECAUSE I MADE A 4CHAN REFERENCE!! ugh.
- Seems like you read all the way through the comic and wrote quite a bit about it. Maybe more than anyone else has ever written about it. Look, criticism is fine but make it constructive, not "It's shit" or shitty or shit on a stick or whatever. I just think you should leave people alone and not insult them to make yourself feel popular or because you haven't insulted someone in a while and using the anonymity of the net so irresponsibly; I doubt you could write a blog post without swears or synonyms thereof. Honestly, this blog's writing is about as good as the writing for Cartridge.
- The last three comments = BINGO! Pity it's too early to do the drinking game version, I could have been utterly tanked in fifteen minutes.
- "The last three comments = BINGO! Pity it's too early to do the drinking game version, I could have been utterly tanked in fifteen minutes." You are just an unsaveable asshole, you know that? Fuck you and fuck this blog. The Duck Has Spoken.
- oh no the duck has spoken oh god you guys the duck
- the duck has spoken oh no oh no oh nooooo someone help the duck the duck has spoken its fuckin spoken you guys what do we do
- oh god oh christ oh shit nobody panic the duck has spoken nobody panic nobody panic fuck shit shit shit not the duck nooooooo
- You accuse the writers of Shredded Moose to be immature 14 year-olds, then go off on a moronic tirade hardly up to snuff with that of a prepubescent retard. You are nothing more than a sad, sad man desperate for attention and appealing to the lowest common denominator for fame. "Oh! I'll swear and criticize stuff! People love that!". You could have just as easily gone with something new and different, but instead you took the rantings of countless message boards and put it on a blog in your own words. Are this comics you review original? No, and neither are you. Blasting webcomics is hardly original. Oh, and nobodies buying this whole "John Solomon isn't Mike Saul, Ted David or Lilith Ester" shit either. You're just one sad jerk-off sitting in a basement with nothing better to do than belittle others. Pathetic. Oh, and "The Duck Has Spoken"? It's a tagline, asshole. The Duck Has Spoken.
- taglines are gay
- You're pretending to be a duck with mental illness who feels he has to punctuate every statement he makes with a "tagline" that sounds like something you'd read on a Hot Topic t-shirt and I'm the immature one? Hahaha. Okay.
- I mean, seriously, for all my flaws I'd think that people are more likely to listen to me than a guy who signs his comments with "The Duck Has Spoken."
- God, I love these fuckin' comments.
- I'm beginning to think you aren't taking the duck seriously at all! :o
- "You're just one sad jerk-off sitting in a basement with nothing better to do than belittle others. Pathetic." I wonder if the irony is lost on 'PsychoDuck'.
- He's a duck, I'm not sure he understands irony. Or anything else, for that matter.
- "Age: 16" oic
- He's sixteen? Mystery solved.
- I think the Sandman comic fell off the face of the Earth in shame.
- Yes, I couldn't find it either. Now if only the rest of the Sandman comics would also drop off the earth.. I like most of Gaiman's other stuff, but Sandman encourages those stupid goths and we can't have something like that. Yeah, I went there.
- is it me or is the art starting to look a bit like stuff from fanboys? asides from being unfunny they're apparently trying to copy someone who's trying to copy spumco.
- A lot of the comics seem to have disappeared, actually, if you check the archives. Many of the links in the review are now redirects to wholly different comics. ...which are no better, mind you.
