Now, I have plenty to say about PvP (and I know there are people out there poppin' mad boners about it) that revolves around the bland, cookie-cutter art and the bland, cookie-cutter writing. The thing is, Kurtz is fat. This review is going to be littered with dozens of fat jokes unless I can get them out of my system. That would serve to undermine what I'm going to say, so I'm making the next paragraph one entirely composed of fat jokes at Kurtz's expense. It's the only way - I've got to say them, or the temptation will be too great. So for all those who weep openly when I'm mean to people, skip on to paragraph three and prepare to cry anyway because PvP is a bad webcomic. Everyone else can stay for the ridicule.
Y'see, Kurtz isn't just fat. His torso is an aggressive Texan land owner, eagerly buying up all the property between chin and groin and bulldozing it into one huge, sweeping curve. It's not that the man has no neck, he has nothing but this kind of... upside-down lightbulb shape to him. Or a bicycle horn, only instead of sucking in air he sucks in subs and bacon and grease. I know that jobs like artist and author and doorstop mean you don't move for a living, but the man must be eating on the level of a hippo. Kurtz hasn't seen his feet in years, doubtlessly, but what does it matter? His pants get pulled up by the immense gravitational pull of his gut. Hell, look closely and you'll see Kris Straub stuck there too. You wouldn't photograph a portrait of him, you'd take a landscape. The rise in sea levels is due to Kurtz taking a dip and accidentally leaving his lunch there. He applied to be the stunt double for Jabba the Hutt but he wasn't small enough. That's no moon, that's Scott Kurtz!
Okay, I'm done. On to doing the same for the webcomic. PvP is as bland as Kurtz is huge (and that's the last fat joke, I swear) which makes it very fuckin' bland. It's basically Garfield, with all that comparison implies. Despite some improvements in the art, it's been the same old weak gag strip that barely raises a chuckle, the kind that newspapers cream their jeans about getting on their "funnies" page. Which is pretty fucking laughable, since Kurtz hasn't even managed to give away this fucking cesspit. Maybe it's the videogame thing? Hardly, since nobody ever mentions videogames anymore. The slim veneer of "gaming webcomic" that it held at the start has been dropped, forgotten and ignored. You could say PvP should now stand for Pedestrian, vacant People instead. Only they're not all people! There's a giant blue guy who is The Stupid One and a talking cat who is either The Brain or Stewie Griffin depending on whether you like fantastic cartoons or terrible cartoons.
What can I say about the writing, really? That it's formulaic, soap-opera bullshit? Well, yes. Because it is. Because it's exactly that. Thank the Buddha that Kurtz draws his characters, because if these were real actors we'd see masses of coma/death/evil twin stories to swap in and swap out all the people fed up of this never-ending charade of dullness. The reason we don't see coma storylines in PvP is that introducing new characters is not something Kurtz likes to do. He copy-pastes like Buckley. He's probably got a huge folder on his computer full of bodies and heads he can match together to make his little pile of crap.
Back to the writing. You've basically got a bunch of two-dimensional archetypes. There's The Stupid One, like I said, and The Snarky One who is the comic foil for The Stupid One. The Long-Suffering Female, The Boss, The Child - these are not just simple labels, these are the entirety of their personalities. Brent is an art guy, he uses Apple stuff, he loves Apple stuff, oh God he can't get enough Apple stuff, lmao give me an iPhone, p.s. i love coffee and I always wear sunglasses ART MAC FAG.
Ugh.
This is the same shit they pull with lame sitcoms: character bibles so brief and so plain that you can make the character do anything. The only way that PvP could be more by-the-book about this is replacing the cast with The Sitcom Family: a fat, ignorant manchild husband, a passive-aggressive and long-suffering wife, three children including at least one teenager and one "sassy" kid below the age of ten. Do it now, Kurtz! Ensure your immortality in newsprint! Go all the way and be as bland and as unfunny as you dare to be!
PvP also suffers from what I like to call "590 syndrome" - the camera (that is, how we see the panel) is 5 feet above the ground and 90 degrees from vertical. Also it's always side-on. You may as well be in a TV show's audience. Now, this isn't so bad for PvP - and Kurtz even manages to mix it up every now and again (by which I mean maybe once every three months) - but there's plenty of other webcomics that do it as well. Including ones whih are supposed to be action-based, what the fuck? Show me a Hollywood blockbuster with a static, head-height camera and... well, forget this, it's for another time.
If there has to be just one reason why PvP is a bad webcomic that deserves to be on this blog, it's that it's not funny. It's seriously not funny. You can read a whole month of it and not so much as crack a smile. I mean, sure, it's free and you get what you pay for, but why bother? It's a waste of time. This is my main argument why people should not read bad webcomics. You could be doing better things with your time, like... well, anything, really. Reading a good webcomic might be a positive step.
However, if I am not confined to just one reason, in the wasteland that is PvP there are several sinkholes of dread that make it super-unfunny. Let's go in no specific order other than what first comes to mind.
What first comes to mind is Scott's Dad. He pops up every now an again, a skinny, moustached, bespectacled old goat who's so fucking wacky oh my god you guys. He doesn't get technology! He doesn't approve of swears! Or boobs! Or anything! HA! HA! HA! This is sarcasm just FYI. It's about as funny as being kicked in the crotch until you're impotent, in that it's funny to someone else. That someone else is Kurtz. Kurtz finds his dad LOLarious. Well, it's his dad after all. He probably would. But like family injokes always inevitably are, strangers do not find them one iota as funny as you do. Kurtz, your father isn't funny. You've heard this before. You've said "Well derp derp I fink he's GREAT" and that's fantastic for you but it just means your already shitty webcomic is shittier still every time his wizened old Stan Lee face pops up.
The cat, who I have already mentioned, is the cherry atop the turd sundae that is PvP. He's a super-intelligent animal bent on conquering the world. It'd be quicker to list crap that this archetype hasn't appeared in, and let us not forget it was done to perfection in Animaniacs with Pinky & The Brain. Basically, Kurtz is treading old ground here. Which is where he feels most comfortable. If he's trying to be brave and new and innovative, he's not feeling himself and probably drunk or high or just plain crazy. Kurtz thrives on mediocrity. It is his lifeblood. He threw in Evil Garfield (callin' it like I sees it) because he was desperate to get a newspaper deal. I guess he'll just have to settle for being with Image. And, seriously Image, what the fuck were you thinking? If you're trying to spiral down the drain faster than DC, then forget it. They publish Megatokyo after all. You can't find a worse comic book company than DC.
Third thing would be the masses of pop culture references. I am not the sort who... appreciates pop culture references. That is to say, I do not obediently laugh when the punchline is simply "LOOK IT IS VOLTRON!!!" Throwing in shit from years gone by in lieu of a punchline is lazy, and exactly what Kurtz likes to do. Why bother thinking up something new, after all? No way of expressing emotion like someone going "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!" Oh wait, there is if you're competent. But that doesn't attract the slack-jaws going "HUR HUR HE DID THAT THING LIKE IN STAR TREK HURRRRRR"
What's worse is that he structures strips and storylines around these pop culture references, which is just so fucking hideously lazy I couldn't begin to fathom what a fucking waste of space Kurtz is. All this, and the Buckleyvision copy-paste extravaganza, just makes it one fucking terrible webcomic. The same people who read it are the same people who'd enjoy the newspaper funnies, only they'd never admit it. Actually, I guess Garfield probably isn't as "with it" with such fucking hip references to Back to the Future and Dukes of Hazzard. So these are probably funny page elitists with all the horrible sense of creeping dread that inspires. I mean, I've got goosebumps.
I can see PvP fans reading User Friendly, too. Maybe they do. I don't know. What I do know is that PvP is a bad fucking webcomic and nobody should read it, let alone buy any of the shitty t-shirts and give Kurtz more cash for being such a crappy hack. Go write for All My Children, Scott, ya fat bastard.
Y'see, Kurtz isn't just fat. His torso is an aggressive Texan land owner, eagerly buying up all the property between chin and groin and bulldozing it into one huge, sweeping curve. It's not that the man has no neck, he has nothing but this kind of... upside-down lightbulb shape to him. Or a bicycle horn, only instead of sucking in air he sucks in subs and bacon and grease. I know that jobs like artist and author and doorstop mean you don't move for a living, but the man must be eating on the level of a hippo. Kurtz hasn't seen his feet in years, doubtlessly, but what does it matter? His pants get pulled up by the immense gravitational pull of his gut. Hell, look closely and you'll see Kris Straub stuck there too. You wouldn't photograph a portrait of him, you'd take a landscape. The rise in sea levels is due to Kurtz taking a dip and accidentally leaving his lunch there. He applied to be the stunt double for Jabba the Hutt but he wasn't small enough. That's no moon, that's Scott Kurtz!
Okay, I'm done. On to doing the same for the webcomic. PvP is as bland as Kurtz is huge (and that's the last fat joke, I swear) which makes it very fuckin' bland. It's basically Garfield, with all that comparison implies. Despite some improvements in the art, it's been the same old weak gag strip that barely raises a chuckle, the kind that newspapers cream their jeans about getting on their "funnies" page. Which is pretty fucking laughable, since Kurtz hasn't even managed to give away this fucking cesspit. Maybe it's the videogame thing? Hardly, since nobody ever mentions videogames anymore. The slim veneer of "gaming webcomic" that it held at the start has been dropped, forgotten and ignored. You could say PvP should now stand for Pedestrian, vacant People instead. Only they're not all people! There's a giant blue guy who is The Stupid One and a talking cat who is either The Brain or Stewie Griffin depending on whether you like fantastic cartoons or terrible cartoons.
What can I say about the writing, really? That it's formulaic, soap-opera bullshit? Well, yes. Because it is. Because it's exactly that. Thank the Buddha that Kurtz draws his characters, because if these were real actors we'd see masses of coma/death/evil twin stories to swap in and swap out all the people fed up of this never-ending charade of dullness. The reason we don't see coma storylines in PvP is that introducing new characters is not something Kurtz likes to do. He copy-pastes like Buckley. He's probably got a huge folder on his computer full of bodies and heads he can match together to make his little pile of crap.
Back to the writing. You've basically got a bunch of two-dimensional archetypes. There's The Stupid One, like I said, and The Snarky One who is the comic foil for The Stupid One. The Long-Suffering Female, The Boss, The Child - these are not just simple labels, these are the entirety of their personalities. Brent is an art guy, he uses Apple stuff, he loves Apple stuff, oh God he can't get enough Apple stuff, lmao give me an iPhone, p.s. i love coffee and I always wear sunglasses ART MAC FAG.
Ugh.
This is the same shit they pull with lame sitcoms: character bibles so brief and so plain that you can make the character do anything. The only way that PvP could be more by-the-book about this is replacing the cast with The Sitcom Family: a fat, ignorant manchild husband, a passive-aggressive and long-suffering wife, three children including at least one teenager and one "sassy" kid below the age of ten. Do it now, Kurtz! Ensure your immortality in newsprint! Go all the way and be as bland and as unfunny as you dare to be!
PvP also suffers from what I like to call "590 syndrome" - the camera (that is, how we see the panel) is 5 feet above the ground and 90 degrees from vertical. Also it's always side-on. You may as well be in a TV show's audience. Now, this isn't so bad for PvP - and Kurtz even manages to mix it up every now and again (by which I mean maybe once every three months) - but there's plenty of other webcomics that do it as well. Including ones whih are supposed to be action-based, what the fuck? Show me a Hollywood blockbuster with a static, head-height camera and... well, forget this, it's for another time.
If there has to be just one reason why PvP is a bad webcomic that deserves to be on this blog, it's that it's not funny. It's seriously not funny. You can read a whole month of it and not so much as crack a smile. I mean, sure, it's free and you get what you pay for, but why bother? It's a waste of time. This is my main argument why people should not read bad webcomics. You could be doing better things with your time, like... well, anything, really. Reading a good webcomic might be a positive step.
However, if I am not confined to just one reason, in the wasteland that is PvP there are several sinkholes of dread that make it super-unfunny. Let's go in no specific order other than what first comes to mind.
What first comes to mind is Scott's Dad. He pops up every now an again, a skinny, moustached, bespectacled old goat who's so fucking wacky oh my god you guys. He doesn't get technology! He doesn't approve of swears! Or boobs! Or anything! HA! HA! HA! This is sarcasm just FYI. It's about as funny as being kicked in the crotch until you're impotent, in that it's funny to someone else. That someone else is Kurtz. Kurtz finds his dad LOLarious. Well, it's his dad after all. He probably would. But like family injokes always inevitably are, strangers do not find them one iota as funny as you do. Kurtz, your father isn't funny. You've heard this before. You've said "Well derp derp I fink he's GREAT" and that's fantastic for you but it just means your already shitty webcomic is shittier still every time his wizened old Stan Lee face pops up.
The cat, who I have already mentioned, is the cherry atop the turd sundae that is PvP. He's a super-intelligent animal bent on conquering the world. It'd be quicker to list crap that this archetype hasn't appeared in, and let us not forget it was done to perfection in Animaniacs with Pinky & The Brain. Basically, Kurtz is treading old ground here. Which is where he feels most comfortable. If he's trying to be brave and new and innovative, he's not feeling himself and probably drunk or high or just plain crazy. Kurtz thrives on mediocrity. It is his lifeblood. He threw in Evil Garfield (callin' it like I sees it) because he was desperate to get a newspaper deal. I guess he'll just have to settle for being with Image. And, seriously Image, what the fuck were you thinking? If you're trying to spiral down the drain faster than DC, then forget it. They publish Megatokyo after all. You can't find a worse comic book company than DC.
Third thing would be the masses of pop culture references. I am not the sort who... appreciates pop culture references. That is to say, I do not obediently laugh when the punchline is simply "LOOK IT IS VOLTRON!!!" Throwing in shit from years gone by in lieu of a punchline is lazy, and exactly what Kurtz likes to do. Why bother thinking up something new, after all? No way of expressing emotion like someone going "KHAAAAAAAAAN!!" Oh wait, there is if you're competent. But that doesn't attract the slack-jaws going "HUR HUR HE DID THAT THING LIKE IN STAR TREK HURRRRRR"
What's worse is that he structures strips and storylines around these pop culture references, which is just so fucking hideously lazy I couldn't begin to fathom what a fucking waste of space Kurtz is. All this, and the Buckleyvision copy-paste extravaganza, just makes it one fucking terrible webcomic. The same people who read it are the same people who'd enjoy the newspaper funnies, only they'd never admit it. Actually, I guess Garfield probably isn't as "with it" with such fucking hip references to Back to the Future and Dukes of Hazzard. So these are probably funny page elitists with all the horrible sense of creeping dread that inspires. I mean, I've got goosebumps.
I can see PvP fans reading User Friendly, too. Maybe they do. I don't know. What I do know is that PvP is a bad fucking webcomic and nobody should read it, let alone buy any of the shitty t-shirts and give Kurtz more cash for being such a crappy hack. Go write for All My Children, Scott, ya fat bastard.
92 comments:
- For some reason, I seriously was visualizing the couple of random User Friendly strips I read throughout this post. It wasn't until you mentioned it at the end that I remembered that I read those strips after your last post and that this was a different comic of such suckitude.
- I had never read PvP until this review. After glancing over it, I can only wonder why it's so damn popular. It's incredibly lazy and the art is ... bland. It's not even that he copy+pastes, he just can't draw. People are mysterious things.
- Good sir, I applaud you. Well done.
- On the comic I agree - PvP is unflavored ice milk. But I think Kurtz is a good guy and a good cartoonist capable of doing something actually entertaining. His old strip for Modern Tales (Wedlock) was good - it was an autobiographical comic, but it had gorgeous art and a good sense of humor. He's also an outspoken advocate of creator's rights. So, uh, don't be too hard on him.
- He's not such a good gy, he's a bit of a loudmouth and a cunt.
- My impression has always been that Kurtz writes what he thinks is funny. The fact that his sense of humor is reasonably juvenile is the main reason the comic goes to a bunch of lame places. But he's happy, and I suppose that's his goal. He also needs to learn when to keep quiet, so he doesn't come across as such a blowhard. If you listen to him on podcasts or whatever, he seems like a decent guy.
- "He's not such a good guy, he's a bit of a loudmouth and a cunt." I agree 100, no, 200%. Mr. Solomon, I heartily applaud your taking kurtz to task. And though I expect you don't give a shit, I like Pinky & The Brain too.
- Who the heck cares how nice the author is, anyway? I don't see how that has anything to do with the blandness of the comic. Like Kurtz or not, the material itself sucks.
- oh man how did pvp get so popular? i mean ive seen worse but this shit is print for chistsakes o_o
- Yeah! Fuck Kurtz! He's a loudmouth who talks about comics AND SOMETIMES ISN'T NICE! WHO ACTS LIKE THAT ANYWAY?! NOBODY ON THE INTERNET HAS A BLOG AND ACTS LIKE AN ASSHOLE. Next time: John Sololame reviews Penny Arcade: "Um...they make jokes about video games and they have a charity but aren't altruistic about it. FUCK. THEM! fuck fuck fuck faggoty fuck bald fuck faggot fuck pacman fuck"
- Well, wow. That's... that's something. Did you type all that just by yourself? Because I really hope so. If that limp-dicked burn was the result of a team effort, I'd lose all faith in humanity. Go back to JDR's loser forums, okay kid?
- Kurtz is popular because he's been around forever so people think that if its been around for so long it must be good. Personally, I don't hate this one in the way I hate Dominic Deegan or CAD, its just boring. And those guest strips he's been gracious enough to put up over the past few days have been awful, though I dont know if that's his fault or just a fault of him being too nice to those without writing talent. greymatter, get cancer. See that burn is simple and to the point and I wrotted it all by myself :D
- What gets me about Kurtz is his total, all-consuming obsession with PROFESSIONALISM and BUSINESS and PRODUCING PRODUCT on a PROPER SCHEDULE and complete lack of interest in, you know, content. Yeah, fantastic, so you can produce bland, homogenized watery shits on a timetable. So do infants, and they don't try to sell you t-shirts and stuffed dolls of their BMs. Advantage: baby.
- Buckley likes pvp. He also defended it's Soap opera plots. that should tell you all you need to know about PvP's fans. Also, I like pinky and the brain too.
- Greymatter, I am puzzled- weren't you the one talking about how people who keep reading shit they hate in order to bitch about it are SEEKRIT FANS or something? So, like, should we expect you to be sending your pubic hair taped to love letters to John or what?
- Quite a letdown. Your worst review yet. And not because of the subject, or the cheap shots against Kurtz' embonpoint. Where's the evil energy that helped you get through Dominic Deegan's and Pastel Defender Stereotype's entire archives? The glee which made you dissect individual strips? I think that's what's missing: not enough concrete examples. It's too general and just comes across as angry, lacking the biting wit of some of your earlier reviews. At least those were funny. You also fail to mention that everything that Buckley does wrong, Kurtz did wrong before him. Including "Buckleyvision". (Kurtz is still pissed that something that's essentially a clone of his work is so popular, notwithstanding the fact that PvP didn't start out particularly original, either.) I expected you to take him to task for that.
- @don, bobulus, etc: Sure, he seems nice on his podcasts & shit. Anybody can act like a good person. To see the true character of a person's soul you need to look at their works. PVP shows you how worthless & worthy of death the man is, regardless of how good he is at buttering people up.
- Jeez, John. You're getting sloppy. Oh, well. I'll stick with you, anyhow.
- I'm surprised you didn't express wonder at any point in time about why people actually subscribe to the PvP animated series.
- Yeah, I gotta agree. There's too much bile and not enough venom in this rant. Although PvP is kind of hard to pick examples for, since it's not incredibly horribly wrong like JDR's works or Dominic Deegan, or really horribly bad like User Friendly, it's just mediocre. It's PvP Generic Webcomic Product(tm), coming in white-labeled cans from the central dispensary.
- Id have to agree with several of the comments that this didnt feel like authentic hate and loathing. Too bad, I didnt think Solomon would run out of targets so fast.
- The baby comparison is apt, I think. Like I said, I dislike PvP. But my stance on Kurtz himself isn't just that "he's nice" - I think he's an outspoken proponent of creator's rights who made another comic that I liked quite a bit. I certainly don't think PvP is a window into his soul (that would be like a window into an unfurnished house), and I certainly don't think he deserves to die for writing it.
- Good sir, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Yet, I beseech thee: returneth to thine olden times, when thee "linketh" to specific instances of the evils of which thee rageth against. Peace out.
- Man, I never thought medocrocy could be so painful until I read PvP. On the bright side, the rant did renew my interest in Pinky and the Brain.
- Greymatter, I am puzzled- weren't you the one talking about how people who keep reading shit they hate in order to bitch about it are SEEKRIT FANS or something? So, like, should we expect you to be sending your pubic hair taped to love letters to John or what? I was wondering who those were from.
- Also some of you are right, I could have been more vitriolic about PvP. I guess I'm just kinda tired this week. Haven't been feeling too well. I'll prove to you I'm still as angry as I ever was next update, though. Or else.
- Mr Solomon, I surely do appreciate your wisdom when it comes to enlightening us about bad webcomics we may not have heard of, and the entertaining way you state the obvious about bad webcomics we have heard of. Just out of interest, though, which webcomics do you consider to be good?
- Pretty good post. It was pretty concise- no off-topic pot-shots at other webcomics (i.e.Mookie)- but the lack of specific examples hurts it a little. Didn't have quite the venom of some earlier posts, but, as has been said, PvP may be a bit too insubstantial to properly loathe. All in all, nice work. I'd dispute your assertion that "you can't find a worse comic book company than DC", though. After all, if you rephrase that as "you can't find a worse comic book company than the guys who published Watchmen" it doesn't sound quite as persuasive. ;)
- That was 80s DC, it's totally different from now DC.
- PvP is definately overrated and kurtz's blog often reflects his own thoughts and tries to force them upon his viewers, though buckley from CAD does this do, but actually i little bit worse i'd admit, but between the two comics, buckley has better thoughts then kurtz anyday
- I think we should start a drinking game for the comments page: every time someone asks John what he thinks constitutes a good webcomic, everyone takes a shot. Whenever someone asks him to stop swearing so much, two shots, etc.
- That's the best you can come up with? A bunch of fat jokes and then some weak arguments? And you think Pinky & the Brain is a excellent cartoon? I wish I could be half as talented as Kurtz. And I think I'm done with your blog.
- isn't being at least half as talented as kurtz one of the criteria for actually existing as a sentient being tool use starts to develop at the "eighteen times more talented" mark iirc
- It's knid of sad that Kurtz doesn't cpoy/paste his characters and nobody notices. Seriosly, he could save himself some time. The characters can't be seen from any ther angle because they only exist in 2d.The shapes just don't make any sence in 3D. He does, however, copy/paste his punchlines. Someones says something vaugely homoerotic. Francis apears out of nowhere and says "Gaaaaaay." Brent mentions pandas. Brent gets mauled by a panda. brent/the boss wonders how they will get to [location] in time. Dukes of hazard reference. It's just stupid.
- Stop choosing limp-dick, easy targets like PvP and CAD. If you don't savage Achewood, Diesel Sweeties, XKCD, Dinosaur Comics, Order of the Stick, and Toothpaste for Dinner, I'll start my own blog under the byline "I am John Solomon's angrier brother". And I will cause more outrage and get more death threats than you. Get to it. p.s. The early reviews were great, but now it sounds like you're just going through the motions.
- Oh man, please don't do any of those comics so that guy follows his word (unlikely in any case). That way, when you don't feel like making fun of comics that aren't funny, you could just make fun of his blog that isn't funny.
- ACTUALLY THE FUNNIEST PART OF THE BLOG IS THE COMMENTS DO TO THREE ENRAGED GROUPS OF PEOPLE 1) SOME PEOPLE ARE A BLOO BLOO BLOO OVER THEIR FAVORITE COMICS 2) OTHERS ARE A BLOO BLOO BLOO BECAUSE THEY HATE "SOLOLAME'S" (LOL SO GAY) NEGATIVITY 3) AND THE FINAL GROUP IS THE PROFESSIONAL INTERNET WEBLOG / FORUM CRITIC WHO IS NOT IMPRESSED BY ANYTHING AND SPENDS ALL DAY ON MULTIPLE INTERNET FORUMS OR BLOG THE COMMENTS OF THESE THREE GROUPS COMBINED DOES NOT CREATE CAPTAIN PLANET, BUT LOTS OF FECAL DROPPINGS ALL OVER THIS WEBLOG THAT WE CAN LOOK AT AND ENJOY AS THE COMMENT NUMBER SHOOTS UP
- LOL SRY MY GRAMMAR SUX I WAS BUZY SUKIN COCK (_)_)lllllllllllllllllllD
- man, don't force the anger. we're not here for you to pull a dane cook monkey show over popular comics, we're here for the play-by-play commentary that results in some black kid yelling 'OH SNAP'. you keep angry as a gimmick, and you'll turn into what maddox is now.
- ...what a bunch of bitches. If you don't like the comic..just don't read it. I hate one liners, so I don't read the thing. I don't walk around talking about how shitty the bad jokes are. Okay, I guess I did just then...well either way, Scott Kurtz and PVP, they aren't for everyone, but you know what, that's okay nothing is for everyone.
- hey scott did you know you can be less fat by not eating just so you know
- "if you don't like the comic..just don't read it." I am so sick of this bullshit "argument." How about taking your own advice: "If you don't like this blog, just don't read it." Or better yet, realize that criticism is a valid form of entertainment in itself. Are you going to go tell Roger Ebert to just stop watching movies he doesn't like and then cry when he pisses all over your favorite movie? And the idea that certain works are exempt from criticism is bullshit. If someone can't handle criticism, they shouldn't put their work out for the public to see. If you don't like John Solomon's critiques, you are perfectly free to criticize his criticisms, just as he is free to make them. So stop the Censorship Lite argument of "if you don't like it don't read it." And finally, the wise artist will take good criticisms to heart and work to improve his art. Either that or develop a thick skin.
- HEY GUYS I'M NOT FAT I'M JUST THICK-SKINNED
- You guys know that this isn't really Scott Kurtz, right? It's just some guy using the name.
- WOW THANX TRAITORFISH HE EVEN HAD ME FOOLED
- NO TRAITORFISH IS RIGHT THIS FUKIN DOPPEGANGER STOLE MY FUKIN NAME YOU MOTHERFUCKER YOU ARE DEFAMING ME JOHN I DEMAND YOU BAN SCOTT KURTZ
- Having seen the man just at Comic Con this weekend, I still can't get over how immense the guy is. I kept a good distance away from him, if only to avoid being drawn in to the same orbit little Spider-Ham was stuck in for the past few days. Nor do I understand his readers. I mean, seriously. Have you been reading the comic for so long you can't think of anything better to do for a few minutes every [ whenever he updates ] but check it? REAAAAALLY?
- At least Kurtz has a sense of humor. It's too bad he can't inject it into his comics AMIRITE GUISE?!!?
- "Advantage: baby" is the best thing I've heard all week.
- You all leave Scott alone, John Suckaman you know he's a Comic-con right now. You're just jealous become Scott's making money and your mom keeps burning your cheese sandwich
- Oh snap, megaburn. Wait, no, the other thing. Dumb.
- Oopsie, I made a typo ... the point is trolls like to feast on stupid children ... beware John ... BEWARE!!!
- instead of sucking in air he sucks in subs and bacon and grease Does "subs" have a different meaning in different parts of the country? When I hear "sub" I think of the Subway 6-grams-of-fat turkey sandwiches. If anything, Kurtz isn't sucking enough subs. Besides that, great post. I tried reading PVP once and my eyes started to bleed halfway through.
- Skull: You are a guy who writes a blog where you pretend to be a unfunny one-note character from a unfunny one-note comic. You bring nothing to the table. And, I have to say, I am incredibly amused that losers like you feel the need to run out here and protect the honor of the authors of their comics, and yet have no real rebuttals as to why their favorite comic is worth the electrons it's printed on.
- Skull, you're a faggot and all, but somehow you still seem svelte and fit compared to lord chickenbucket, so at least you've got that going for you.
- I will cry myself to sleep tonight on a huge pile of money.
- The key word there is HUGE pile of money.
- Yeah it's a huge pile of money but you still can't see a fucking cent of it under all that massive expanse of pasty flesh we call Scott Kurtz.
- I myself wonder why PvP is so damn popular. I read through the first two months in the archives, and I gave up. How the hell can Scott keep this up after 9 years?
- Let's see now. Scott Kurtz thinks his comic is funny. The reviewer does not. Many people who read the reviewer's site, and then post on his reviews do not. PVP is very popular. Which is the logical conclusion? A: The comic is just plain unfunny and no-one likes it B: The people on this blog don't share Scott's sense of humor, and many fail to realize that doesn't mean the rest of the world is the same way. C: Scott has offered his soul to one or many elder gods, so that his comic will gain readers, all the while hoping that the multiple Deities awaiting his death do not realize that they aren't the only one with dibs on it.
- D: Math tells us that 50% of the population is stupider than average, which explains why PvP is popular.
- median not average ugh you disgust me
- But on the other side of things, 50% of the population is smarter than average, and only someone who falls into the other end of that spectrum could honestly claim they know that only people on the lower half read PVP.
- >.< The Average is the sum of the stats divided by the number of them. Either you have someone with a huge amount of intelligence messing up your stats or you are too stupid to learn what an average is and should start learning to like PVP because that's the only form of "entertainment" you could understand
- Or I just couldn't be arsed to correct him, instead playing against his own logic. Surprised you didn't knock me for saying another 50% must be smarter, when CLEARLY it couldn't be higher than 49% if there was in fact a number of people right in the dead middle, not to mention the margin of error.
- I guess the secret is out ... I'm hot for fatties and want one inside me ... Scott, call me please ?
- I um. I don't rightly know if this blog post is well reasoned or actually correct in any way at all. I just enjoy reading things that I agree with. So uh. Bravo.
- I will cry myself to sleep tonight on a huge pile of money. Thank you for admitting that this is the only part for you that really matters. Still, the pathetic spectacle of you begging your idiot readers to send you cash so you could buy a god damned Macintosh will not soon fade from memory. And your comic still sucks shit through a straw, you fucking hack.
- Mr. Solomon , your jealous disgusts me. How can you know anything of how to do webcomics. You don't even have an upcoming, and fairly priced book for sale on how to make webcomics like Kurtz and Straub do: http://www.pvponline.com/blog/3475/halfpixel-stuff Now if you will excuse me I have some preordering to do with my mom's credit card; along with half delusional conquests to boast about on my myspace account.
- I laughed outright when you called DC a lousy label for publishing Megatokyo, because we all know how dumb publishing a comic that hits a bestseller list is. Right....
- I laughed outright when you called DC a lousy label for publishing Megatokyo, because we all know how dumb publishing a comic that hits a bestseller list is. Right.... Oh jeez I am undone, how can Megatokyo be a bad webcomic if people buy the books oh snap oh no oh mercy You're a fucking idiot.
- Didn't Kurtz win an Eisner award for best digital comic?
- All that means is that the judges don't read any "digital comics" better than PvP.
- Scott Kurtz is so fat, he eats Wheat Thicks.
- YES! OMG Scott Kurtz is FAT!!!!1111eleven I fail to see the point in wasting so much precious blog space to rip on the artist's (feel free to imagine that word in quotation marks as you see fit) phisique. The space could have been much better spent listing things concerning the actual, uhm, webcomic. There is criticism, and there is ad hominem. The first I welcome. The second is useless for me, though I totally see how it can make one's day go better. I've followed PvP since the days I didn't know any better and could forgive a misspelled word or two and an unexplained troll here or there. As a consequence, I actually remember to catch up on PvP approximately once per month, and I usually don't even find it a waste of time. Solomon, out of all your posts, this is the only one that felt as hate for hate's sake. Sure, PvP is mediocre and bland, but then I guess the point should be that it only stands out as BAD when you consider the sheer popularity of it. Your lack of capacity to deliver in this particular instance is weird, because the webcomic DOES have a fair share of things you could have ripped on brutally and mercilessly; but in the end, I guess am a man easily amused, and even PvP occasionally evokes a grin or two from me. The artist (again, quotation marks optional) may live in his own world, but even in constraints of such a limited frame, sparks of talent can occasionally surface. Pity that the webcomic is so popular the author will never have any incentive to improve - quite the opposite, I'm afraid.
- I fail to see the point in wasting so much precious blog space to rip on the artist's (feel free to imagine that word in quotation marks as you see fit) phisique. Then as well as being utterly inept at writing, you apparently can't read, because I explained why right at the start. I'm not going to repeat myself just because you're fucking illiterate, either.
- I read the reasons you provided; unfortunately, I still fail to see the point, and no amount of pejorative adjectives you waste upon me will change that for the better. Did you want to rant at the author of the webcomic or the webcomic itself? I expected the latter, perhaps erroneously, and that is all. No need to get so annoyed about it. It's your blog, feel free to say anything you want. Saying Maritza Campos is untalented and retarded is very relevant for the webcomic. Saying Kurtz is fat doesn't tell us about PvP at all. It is a good source of fat jokes, and you are free to utilize them as much as you wish to fill your post; I'd just like to point out that you had five times more fat jokes than actual references to what is wrong in PvP. I am not here to evaluate your article, and I really couldn't care less for Kurtz or PvP. I just wanted to give you my comment. I assume that's what the "comment" button is for? If you are so keen to dish out criticism (as you should be), you might consider how your posts can also be of variable quality.
- Okay here is it again since you are apparently fucking retarded: I have a reputation for making "unwarranted personal attacks" on the jerks responsible for these bad webcomics, I know. That's because they're usually really easy targets. But this time I separated out the insults, mostly, so that my criticisms could not be written off by stupid assholes (like you!) as not valid because of fat fat fatty fat jokes. And in simple words just in case! KURTZ IS FAT FAT JOKES ARE FUN REVIEW SHOULD NOT BE ALL FAT JOKES SO ME MAKE MANY FAT JOKES GET THEM OUT OF THE WAY THEN DO PROPER REVIEW Please, for the love of God, tell me your tiny brain understands like everyone else so we can all move on with our fucking lives already.
- I didn't know your "fucking lives" need me to comprehend anything in order to move on. That's awfully sportsmanlike of you. I read the paragraph the first time, John, and I don't see how repeating it to me will make a difference. I don't really care if the fat jokes are intermingled with the text or tossed in for laughs, at the beginning, end, footnote or appendix; they are there, and my original point was (and still remains) that you might have spent that time on writing a more focused review. You may have singled out the "unwarranted personal attack" as an in-joke at your incisive style, or simply for laughs; but that doesn't bloody redeem the quality of the REST of the article. However, when you deliver the proper goods, noone cares if you make a thousand fat jokes. Now it may be that you are a bitter asshole or that you just like to evoke a response when you write a blog; I'd say the latter, but for the sheer amount of insults you projected upon me for doing nothing more than offering some basic criticism of your writing (if you don't like to be criticized then why make a criticizing blog, of all things?). Even after all the ridiculous insults you projected upon me, instead of, you know, talking like an adult and whatnot, I would still hate for your blog to lose its bearings and degrade to insults for the sake of insults instead of making persuasive points about webcomics. Sure, author Z is an idiot and webcomic X sucks, but do please RIP ON THE ACTUAL FUCKING WEBCOMIC, because the piece of shit deserves it. If you don't, then what's the point of this blog?
- Megatokyo's published by Dark Horse, who've also published Sin City and 300. Of course the people down at Dark Horse are taking in more shit as time passes by. Recently they let Gerrard Way of My Chemical Romance write a comic. What's it about, kids who like to pretend to be depressed, and hurt?It's no wonder such a crappy comic got a book.
- You don't like family guy do you? Your a troll no just fucking with you but have ever considered making a blog ripping the sorry chunks of crap that have been following the golden years of the Simpson’s and other decent shows? Sincerely Black tongue
- anonymous person, Megatokyo is published by CMX now, which is a DC company. Pay attention. I used to read PVP, years ago. I enjoyed it well enough. The reason I stopped reading it was because I was getting an "I'm an egotistical asshat" vibe from Kurtz, and also because he was consistently LATE (like, they weren't up until some time in the afternoon). PVP is all he does, and the art is so SIMPLE; it should never be late. On the subject of his fatness (and he is, I've seen him in person), the guy should really go on a diet. It affects his ability to do his JOB. I recall that after every convention or event he went to, he had to take time off because he was so exhausted. Well, everyone usually is after those sorts of things, but in his case it seems to stem directly from being overweight.
- I read PvP. It has not been as funny as it used to be. Personally think the character designs are pretty good. Kurtz does seem to be always falling behind in his updates. that's pretty ridiculous since PvP is his fulltime job.
- Treading old ground? That would imply Scott Kurtz actually walks places.
- I started reading PVP not long after its inception many moons ago and I read it religiously for quite a long time. The cat you mentioned was the very reason I stopped and never looked back. The comic was already starting to get a bit old but still funny. The cat character was uninspired junk and quickly led to me abandoning the comic altogether. There had been a news post that where Scott Kurtz had basically said a lot of people wrote in upset because of such dislike for the character and that he's a ripoff of several other characters, but I don't care, he's here to stay. I remember there was some sort of storyline where the Stewie-Griffin-cat disguised himself as a robotic version of the fat guy, just like Stewie Griffin disgusied himself as a robotic version of the fat guy in his show once, and at that moment I just said, "Screw this. I'm never reading it again." And I never have.
- I had heard about PvP a long time ago, but never got round to reading it until earlier this year. I tried, really I did. It bored me shitless. I asked myself "Is something wrong with me? Why am I not laughing?" Then the obvious answer came to me - it wasn't me, it was the comic - not that well drawn, and about as amusing as fellating a hot curling iron.
- I used to enjoy PvP because it definitely delivered some funny lines, but it started sliding a bit some time ago, and then came the absolute torture of the storyline with Skull's miniature criminal relative (i don't even remember his name anymore and i don't care). The worst part wasn't that the plot arc was clearly hackneyed to hell, or that Kurtz was milking it to dryness, or that the delivery was numbingly boring; no, the worst part was that Kurtz practically begged readers to hang in there because he had worked SO HARD ON THIS ARC and the ending would be SO GOOD it would make it all worth the wait. It wasn't. It was pure shit. Oh, good, i found the angry e-mail i sent him: ===== Subject: the latest Shecky arc sucked, and here's why... It was predictable and tedious and not funny. It was like four weeks' worth of Brent getting mauled by the panda, every day. I wanted to send you this from the start, but i decided to let you finish it, because you deserved a chance to wrap things up, and because there was an outside chance that it might get better. Even as some sort of homage to WC Fields (which is what i think you were doing), it was weak. The bit with Max in the middle was promising but flopped madly. I honestly can't imagine where you were trying to go with this; it was like a mediocre sitcom episode, where every actor can't escape the box in which their character is trapped and the script was written by seventeen people. ===== I know, i know, too civil.
- Why the fuck would you apologize for making fat jokes? I hate fat people. I want to set them on fire, and turn my head away from their grotesque visage. In disgust. And someone should be there to witness it, I really don't want the gesture to be lost. But they are everywhere. That is why I stay inside, with a rifle and plenty of armor piercing bullets (that blubber is tuff! And manboobs are RIGHT OVER THE HEART! Well, most of them, some of the 21st century fatasses are actually so fat their boobs sag BELOW THE HEART LINE. But they can't climb the grade 3 road to my apartment, so I'm not worried about their gluttonous wrath). ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FATASSES FROM RULING THE WORLD. I carry matches at all times, just in case I belay a wounded fatass, leaking tallow from his wounds..
- John, The real hilarious thing about Scott Kurtz's obsession with "The Real World" is that he is waging war on DC comics' new webcomic label simply because it offers instant exposure to newbies. That and Comic-Con 2007 named him a Special Guest over people like David Willis (whom I know you also hate, because you hate everyone).
- John Solomon is Charlie Brooker.
- I love your blog John, but the DC bashing was stupid and outright ignorant. The company that gives us Vertigo, Watchmen, and a ton of other classics is the worst comic company ever? Also, CMX publishes Megatokyo, how can you possibly fault DC for that? They just own the company, they have no real control over it, unlike Vertigo or Paradox Presses, which are just DC comics under a different imprint.
- Solomon: You have hit the nail on the head. PvP is a pseudo-hip Garfield rehash. Your only inaccuracy is that Kurtz is actually quite a competent artist. Viewing his other works (and, on rare occassion, frames of PvP) shows this. (Note Kurtz' Garfield comment.) PvP is a "slice of life" comic and is intentionally hyper-sterotypical - the kid gamer, the snob artist, the feminazi, &c. I'm not saying I agree with this (I abhor it), but it is clearly intentional. Kurtz cannot be faulted for his execution of these stereotypes, only for his creative impotence. Similarly, the art is purposely over-symplified, for some sort of effect. Although the effectiveness is lost on me, clearly it is intended by the artist, and he, again, cannot be fairly criticised for how he does it, only for his choice in doing so. Your waterproof criticism comes in where you bring up the fact that it definitely is not consistently funny. At all. In-jokes and "drawing" from life belong in journals. Well, and the Internet (cf, bloggers). Kurtz is a huge dick, not just a huge guy. He is consistently arrogant and rude to fans (odd, since he's obviously lucky to have any). Also, a hypocrite: Kurtz criticised Buckley for making shitty animation of Ctrl+Alt+Del, then contracted the same animation studio for the PvP cartoons. And: YES! Animaniacs = fantastic cartoon; Family Guy = terrible cartoon. PS: RE first paragraph - I do hope you meant submarines, not sub sandwiches.
